I'm only sleeping.

Undesirable (rough draft)

You crawled in through the leaky faucet,
and held out my heart in your cold hand

Trading me integrity for bliss; I left you
With a shadow of myself, that draws the sun

Footprints won’t last long without,
so you’ll never find me in your squeaky cold shoes

Because I’ve worn these burdens since birth,
and you still hold on to keepsake you pardoned

Cold, squeaky shoes on pavement,
you just don’t see it these days

Besides in a makeshift list made indecisively
Showcasing lost undesirables we could’ve spent

Made on a request

Oh the girl, with disappointment

Oh the girl, who found her friend

Earnest and happy, she comes up with the sun

Strong and strong willed, happy and thus so still

Wild she speaks, through exhaustion she falls asleep

Then again she comes up with the sun, until it falls around the bend

Exasperated again she’ll fall, but for now she is awake

Waiting for the moment, where she’ll have less to give and more to take what’s sent

Beauty is a glass house casting off it’s own reflection as it’s hit by cascading stones of those who challenge it’s gifts until they crumble

Drawing in a short breathe before letting out a long yawn

Tired. Sick. Tired. Still sick. Still crying. Sick of trying.

You throw stones at your empty throne

Armed with your hatred you conquer nothing alone

Marching like toy soldiers to the beat of a sinking ship

You thought we were kings dreaming of gold. Well now you’re the fool that’s just cold and white.

Falling deeper and deeper into you until I’m poisoned by my own medicine. It tastes just like home, it smells like a place you’ve been before, and it feels like someone’s coming to dinner.

Arms of fire, reaching for the red hand

Stop. Listen. Still crying. Still children.

Marching like toy soldiers to the beat of a dying man who did no wrong.

Palms left open holding change out to the homeless.

Until I wake up, life a dream with an arm extended.

Glowing clouds and rays of light, our ruler you thought cynical has a loving embrace still wound tight.

There’s multilple ways to make a fist, but to make one of love you must strike the ground and bury a seed and feed it well.

Then a loud sound, followed imptetuously by a rash decision.

Leave and let live, or suspend me in the air

This miracle I’ve been living, is better than the real thing iI swear.

But for now I’ll remain hidden. Knowing now better than to question what I’m given.

Two cold hands and a heart pumping steel into a hate machine that burns yearning to earn an ash in today’s market

The wheel is still turning, it is harmless and it is not; another target

Still coming for you (we’re still coming)

Still coming for you (we’re still coming)

Hide but please don’t run, hideous as I may be. They know I love as I love it so, while you catch the after-morning glow. Descending into nothing praying for my soul, no goal in mind. I only asked for a moment that you’d be mine.

Don’t sound the alarm, there wasn’t any harm.

As I am but a man I am part of the plan.

Encircling the desert like a vulture waiting for the world to collapse into sand and debris.

I know you’re out there, throwing stones at the guiding light. But worry sinks not deep in this pond, so you skip across the stones and I beg you please

Never alone. Never alive. Never alright.

I’m coming for you, hide but please don’t run. I know I’m hideous, but love was never a beautiful thing anyways…

Just seeing your face is enough to make me happy, knowing that you care warms my heart, seeing you smile lets me break away from the world.

Like an island drifting further away

I travel slowly down the throat like a pill on a tongue

Take me in, how can a world I was born in ever be beautiful?

You don’t belong here, so take me in your world. I don’t want to take away your happiness, I don’t want to die.

I woke up with a cold, red eyes like shutters growing old

I dreamt that I could fly, I thought that I’d fall, do you make the connection?

Do you still think I’m not thinking at all?

The ship’s sprung a leak, I pray in my empty seat, searching for an answer in between the tide’s advancements

Ripple on the surface, the reflection of nothing coming nearer; sooner; longer

Holding your hand, I’ve never been closer

Broken and bruised, you speak without lies

Shut in between your teeth, the flesh of flesh rubbing against the bloody palms of a hand piloting a broken sail

All is well, close and together

I’ve never been closer, shattered; broken and bruised

How can a world I was born into be beautiful, take me in from my empty seat. Take off the pressure.

I don’t want to be nobody’s anything anymore

You said you could see and you saw

Now I ask you, bloody palms and shattered jaw

Can you still smile?

Just wrote this

There’s starlight fading through the glass of your eyes

A smile retreating from your sadness in disguise

A tired feeling, of leaving you hung down, transient, falling through the ground when I’m not around

You act as if you don’t know your place, but you’ve been moving from the start

Moving all of your miracles across the steel framework of my cold & iron heart

Sometimes I ask myself if I feel a thing, and I still don’t hear an answer

Maybe I’ll stick my hand through your throat and pull out the cancer

You’re tied up in your own thoughts and they’re wrapping around your neck, please…just let me know if you’re still breathing, I’m too careless to check

Meanwhile I’ll keep working on leaving instead, feeling like Hamlet with red blood on my hands that’s never coming off, it just spreads…

Until I saw your face and thought of you in this book I was writing, taken back by guilt and too afraid to do the right thing

I coloured in the creavases and added contour to your eyes

Spread the lead with cloths and realized you’re still alive

Behind the framework of the house I built from stone

Coldest in the winter bringing in the southern wind carrying the foul stench of being alone

In the cold depths of my heart, you never finished, but you’ve been moving from the start

Until your pulse draws quiet, the veil will never close

In my mind a cold face of ivory, and a red slowly wilting rose, there you’d only raise a question; of when you’d be able to see me as well, and I just fell to my knees

Have I been dead for all these years and were you never taken by disease, what of my health?

Then I just answered by leaving, because that’s all I’ve ever known how to do by myself

I know I couldn’t reply, and so did you as well

And even though I just left without looking, I could tell you knew the answer was misspelled

Technically not finished, but a decent demo I wrote

I want to hold the hand inside you, I want to take the breath from your dreams so they’ll never end

Maybe one day then, we’ll be together; imagining the same things we’d always hoped against, despite what we wished for in the end

I want to hold the hand inside you, and open up the window to let out the steam behind your eyes

Maybe one day I’ll live through your memory, and if you don’t fall, I’ll fall first

And if I can’t get back up, I might just roll around for a bit, might just…keep rolling, until the ground takes a hold of me and makes me feel like a speck to the world

Like a thumbtack falling in the world’s emptiest room, but maybe that just means I’ll echo on and on, so you’ll always know I’m coming after you soon no matter what wrong I’ll commit to do right

Happiness isn’t harder to find as you age, it just becomes so apparent that it’s harder to acknowledge, more than before. I won’t care if I feel unnoticed, as long as you can see me fall for you, over and over again, reaching out as you become a flower red, a flower red, not another word shall be said

I want to touch your soul and feel your pulse, to see that you’re alive in all I live to see, yet you’ve already taken the breath out of that dream; I’m blind, watching my hourglass as it slowly unwinds in front of me

I want you to be happy, so why don’t we become happy as one?

I’ve asked you what dreams are, and you shrugged and looked around

Then I got a hold of you and told you, “we’re going down”

You were so tired of living in the moment, that I couldn’t hear you bringing up the past

Where there are shadows, of lost sunsets on the shore, our feet, burned into the sand forevermore

Birthday inspired, wrote it in like 10 minutes

I don’t understand why you always have to waste your time on me

Convincing me to believe in what I don’t see, so they’ll know I’m not the only one thats knows they’re there

Because they’re afraid, if you convince them they’re not real they’ll just disappear from the windowsill

Even if I’m the one one that isn’t there, it’ll be because I was tired of living still

I’ve grown up since you last saw me, why would nothing call me it’s only son?

I wasn’t born to be spread far and wide, I’d gladly give you a moment of my only time

If you’re doing this for me, the only thing I want to understand is why?

I’d take a reason before your hand, painted red; now I’m the prime suspect of tearing myself apart, because someone cared enough to understand why I’m leaving the party as it just began

Forensics won’t find the answer in the evidence, only that you want to know how I feel

And if you asked me, just letting you know I’m happy that you’re real

Even though inside, I feel like my pulse may stop at anytime from giving up on you all the same

I’m glad you came, even though it feels like father’s day

I’m glad you came, even though it feels like father’s day

If you’d only been my love for awhile,

Then I’d know honor as the extra mile

Walking out to the park,

where we would laugh about the finer things in life

I knew you well,

That’s why I held you close

It’s not uncommon for me to wish for a family,

On a rainy day where I wander alone through the suburbs

The houses and estate look scary in the dark,

at any going rate I like to walk alone in the park

Child’s playthings never looked so gruesome and worn,

You may not feel me close, yet I’ll ask you “why was I born?”

And though I may love you,

I wonder how you’d treat me if you knew me well

I’ve broken every bone in my body,

I tripped and I fell

Ahem…

All the old people, saw the young die young,

while the young, watched their homes burn down

Arch your back, walk proudly through the rain

You don’t have anything to prove,

just don’t expect me to drown when I come falling down in pain

Bitter, bitter taste, leave me while I smile,

I never cared for wine anyhow, I know it burns for a while

You’ve run out of places to run, just don’t expect me to come

Because things are looking bad, but not enough for that

I know I wasn’t invited, but the party’s in my home,

and all of the people there I’ve known long before, I even knew your name

it never looked so beautiful from so far away

Yet when I come by, just to catch a glance

All I see is ashes from where the rings of fire danced

Just walk with me, when I get tired in the rain

I knew you far before, others knew your name

And I…

Will walk proudly when I’m down, just don’t expect me to drown

In your pool of fond regret.

I’ve never took well to the large city crowds, because I’m secretly a cold and bitter person, and I like to keep to myself

And where I am, is where fun is not allowed

So I’ll leave to be with brand new friends, in all of the brand new houses,

with a numbered, labeled fence

So organized and perfect, but I couldn’t pay rent

From being empty, the heart is a crowded claustrophobic space

So we’ll come together, while we’re still allowed

and I’ll try to keep from, hating the clouds that follow where I go

I may be grounded, but my head’s way up in the air

and I don’t have time, to walk up, the slowly burning stairs

I’ll run, when you run, that’s just how it has to be

I grew up across the street from my family I never got to meet.

another old one I wrote…

Oh, of what a sight to be so fair
Elegance a stance, and porcelain of skin to beware

Glass bullets fall like tears, only to chip the skin

Benign, benign; oh the presence of one so fine
Who lives a life so raucous, beautifully blended, molded, sculpted betwixt paradigms

Shifting statues that once stood still, slowly moves flowing hair
Ripples of steam and smoke dance on the shifting temperature that make the air
Dancing a waltz; a fine dance indeed

Oh, what of porcelain skin and eyes of shining painted glass,
that tosses one’s self into a trance; revealing what lie within

And from a crack shines the eye of dawn, a beauty, a beauty, a beauty
worth repeating no wrong, no wrong

Of one so kind and pleasant; a mind of artistry is her greatest gift; and presence be her
present; lack of which would bring a man of wealth to peasantry, the past an ugly picture now

found a poem I wrote a long time ago…still one of my favourites

You’re a feather on the wind

Don’t blind me because you’ll block out the sun

Burned in a fire, carried away from here

Like a leaf in the air, burning over there


The ashes float on the water, water vibrates back and forth

ripples across the stream, it’s pure and innocent and so are you

Drifting like a feather, burning like a leaf in a dream


Whatever makes you happy, makes my skin want to peel

Maybe I’m still there, maybe I’m still real

Flying like a feather, off a wing I will fall

Like a pill down the throat, like swallowing four walls

I’m far from my happy place, don’t take me the hell out of here

Why do I have to be everywhere, can’t I just disappear on a whisper from an ear?


I heard a bunch of things I was never supposed to have heard

I can’t feel it anymore, drifting away on a sail looking for a sign of shore


An open window, a gate of glass

Silver handles, games we’d pass

Let me in to let out the fun, then we’ll drop our pockets and run


The sun now a bright color to see, life is so simple, I just want to be

Holding you, standing there with you, it’s peace that brings me quiet

There are many stupid things I do, and there are things I should say

But of all the stupid things I have nothing left anyways, anyways


Resting on the shore, words carried like a feather, burning from the sun

There you are, over there, over there, where I want to be

Words carry me over air, so I can see you everywhere, everywhere


Like a lens, I see you, I see you

Walking on the shore; I just want to walk with you

I couldn’t ask for anymore